make life beautiful

my thoughts are all scattered.

i can't think about him. at all. because otherwise i'll love him and hate him, pine for him--resent him. and right now i'd rather just be neutral and non-emotional. god (or whoever, or nobody in particular) knows i made my share of awful, remorseful, grimace-when-i-think-about-it-now mistakes. it's funny, but i never felt badly for what i did, or saw my errors clearly, until he finally walked away and let me go. telling someone you love to leave you alone is the hardest thing i've done, but at the same time, i didn't feel like i had any other choice. there was only one option. it's only been a while, just a minute in comparison to our tumultuous and long-winded past, but already i'm learning and wanting to change. i am changing. at least i think i am. since i can't think about him, i can't really think too much about my past, which was consumed by him and by our relationship. he's in almost all of my memories, whether it be his presence or just the thought of him, his all-pervasive influence. *sigh*

so i'm trying to fill the void, i guess. don't get me wrong, i don't hate everything about the past. in fact, i still think he's beautiful and amazing and i know i let him define me too much, but i like the many ways he contributed positively to my character. i hope i did some good for him, too, despite all the bullshit near the end...

i'm surprisingly sane these days and relatively optimistic. i'd like to think it has nothing to do with the new boy (man) i'm sort of seeing, but that'd be a lie. still, i don't think it's all of that either. i guess it sort of feels like i'm coming out of a haze. i haven't smoked in almost a month. and i really don't feel the desire to. i've been stoned for so long, it'll last me a while, i think. not that i'd ever give it up for good, but now i'm ok with this. and i don't really want to get drunk as often as i used to. it's probably strange to some people, but i'm only now getting used to thinking about things. i mean, i used to think before, too, of course. but usually i'd discuss or whine or bitch to stan. it was more of a discourse rather than contemplation. still relishing the fact that i can be happy in my room, with my books, my writing, my cheap colored pencils and blank sketchbook. i want to discover new music, new hobbies, new talents, etc., and it's all overwhelming and almost paralyzing. i'll take it one day at a time. signed up for the gym, and that was good. started cooking more, and feeling good about that, too. not eating junk food all the time with stan and kurt. oh god, but those lazy sundays, when we'd eat two meals at the same diner, smoke a joint and watch an obscure, beautiful movie...sometimes i miss that, too.

but i'm looking forward, trying to create a life of my own. i really want to create something beautiful, but i think my thoughts are still too scattered for something like that. i'll keep reading and listening to music and maybe with more introspection, i'll have an Aha! moment.

goodnight ladies. i miss you all <3