confused

i was manic and feeling good for a few days. now i'm confused and in a slump. i went home last weekend, and it was nice and i didn't have to think about any of this and what will i do this weekend? i mean, i can't keep going home to my parent's house every weekend. i'm just all confused about everything. i thought i figured out that i was taking this time for myself to discover what my desires are, separate from stan's pervasive influence. and lately i have been looking forward to time alone, reading or watching freaks and geeks, in the evenings. and i relish that i like time to myself, because i mean, if i can be happy reading a zombie book by myself before i go to bed, then who can take my happiness away from me, you know? nobody can. but then idno, tonight i got confused. about life, about the earthquake in haiti, about everything. i mean i know awful shit has happened to people in the world since the beginning of time. but they were showing footage of doctors working there, sleeping in tents eating mac and cheese from a packet. i saw the babies with contusions, screaming victims who had to get a limp amputated or whose family member recently died from tetanus after being treated. children asking the doctors to take them back home with them. i mean who's to say they deserve their lot and i deserve mine? compared to all that, everything in my life seems insignificant. yeah so what stan kind of takes me for granted sometimes and so what if he's more strong-willed than i am so i tend to go along with his ways? why should it matter, b/c deep down he loves me. i know he loves me and i know i love him. and shouldn't that be enough? no one is perfect. part of loving someone is accepting their flaws...and i mean, if i'm going to go looking for someone who's completely perfect, i might as well just resign myself to dying alone right now. ahhh hopefully i'll wake up with more clarity tomorrow.