The Suburbs - Arcade Fire

With each listen, I have grown more and more in love with Arcade Fire's newest album, The Suburbs. There are so many layers to this album, and most of the themes apply to us post-grad reluctant adults. The most poignant theme may be the nostalgia of being a suburban teenager, sitting around passing time during long summer breaks, waiting for the world to begin. Around this idealized memory, Arcade Fire points out that the "modern kids" of today are basically unauthentic, that the teens loitering around the cul-de-sacs are not like they used to be. They want to be unique but truly don't have a clue about what they are doing. I'd like to think it's a criticism of this unbearable age of hipster-dom.

Enough about teens, what about us "adults"? Some of the songs are about adults returning to their childhood playgrounds, only to find that everything has changed and nothing stays the same. Of course, the past also leads to more memories of childhood and old friends. Other songs are about the "modern man" as a whole, following society blindly and no longer examining one's path anymore. From the song "we used to wait", it's clear that technology (sadly) has completely changed the way we live. We no longer hand write letters, wait for handwritten letters to arrive, or even spending hours just walking around aimlessly.

The album is so complex, and I have still yet to completely wrap my head around it. It's rare to have an album lay out all of the emotions/ideas/wishes/despair/sadness I have felt and will continue to revisit since I became a teen. I guess I will have to wait to find out whether I'll grow out of this feeling or whether I'll always feel like "we're still kids in the buses longing to be free".

So long College Station, TX

For the past two years, I've had the unique opportunity to be in a healthy relationship and simultaneously, be completely alone for most of my days. Honestly, it has been a liberating and wonderful chapter in my life. I may never experience this kind of solitude again. I know I will have nostalgia one day looking back on days like today, where I spent the entire day alone in my apartment drinking coffee, watching lectures, and studying...perhaps the perfect storm before things became more complex and adult-like...bye bye Presidio and College Station, TX. I didn't think I would like you as much as I did, or thought that I could actually transition into an adulthood in such a small, conservative college town (everything that I was 100% against). I am still definitely a liberal in my views, but I guess I can understand why so many people enjoy the sweetness of a small town.

"I can be alone yeah, I can watch the sunset on my own, I can be alone yeah." - Kate Nash

Tidbit - Bush Sr.'s library is in College Station --

Ready made housewives

Classes are over and now I just have to study for my board exam on June 18th. Then I might go to my first wedding. It's one of Brent's coworkers but it might be fun. June 20th -- going to Athens, Greece followed by Santorini and Istanbul, which is a total of two weeks. I'm super excited but I have to survive this test first.

We had our end of year party yesterday, where med students get DOWN (ie talk about med school at a non-academic building and about how miserable we are wasting away our 20s-30s in academia). I was chatting with a Taiwanese guy named Paul about his relationship issues. He met his Taiwanese girlfriend when she was doing lab research in Houston. However, she was there temporarily and has been living in Taiwan for the past year. Apparently, she's coming back after he takes his steps and moving in with him. In other words, she is moving to nowhere, TX, USA with zero plans (work, play or otherwise) just for Paul. Also, understandably, she wants to get married. He was complaining about how stressful this all was and how there was so much pressure put on him by his girlfriend, and on top of that, just being a med student trying to get through all this alive. Someone joked that it sounded like she was ready to be a housewife and birth little Paul babies.

I get really uncomfortable when I hear stories like this. I am trying really hard to carve out my own career path so I one day can be the independent woman in one of those Destiny's Child songs. I thought perhaps this is the reason that girls who drop everything for their relationships bother me. But I don't think that's the reason. I actually have a lot of respect for women who sacrifice so much to raise their children and maintain a household. I also don't know if a career is as satisfying as I have completely idealized the concept of it to keep sane. Every success you have often equals major sacrifices elsewhere.

Maybe I hate the idea of not being in control? I guess pride plays a factor. However, I am kind of a hypocrite since Brent pays for almost everything we do together. I am living out of my means if it was just up to my measly stipend alone.

In summary, I get really confused about male/female roles as adults. Inputs?

ride the commuter train west to chicago

I'm always so restless in the springtime...it's distracting.

I am a new homeowner, sort of.

Brent and I will be closing on a 3 bedroom 2.5 bathroom townhouse in the Montrose area of Houston in the end of March. Well, technically, the place is completely his. I won't actually be moving in until early May when I finish my classes here in College Station. I am excited, but there are hurdles to live through before I can even begin to think about the new place. Until then, I need to ween myself off of HGTV (seriously addicting). I guess the two main hurdles are finishing up this year and to do well on the USMLE coming up in June. All this studying is exhausting, and thinking about all the studying I will have to do is even more exhausting.

My freshmen year of summer, I worked in a lab at Rice, and one of the new grad students was this guy named Jonathan who was married (engaged at the time) to a MD/PhD student who was studying for her USMLE step 2. I remember we would always go to restaurants and do stuff after lab in groups. However, I never once saw his fiance. He would always say she was busy studying. I remember thinking that it must be sad to study so much and have your husband/fiance go out with friends without you all the time. Now that I am in that boat...I would love for Brent to go out all the time and leave me alone to study. I guess it helps that he currently lives 100 miles away. It was nice to be alone this weekend. I know, I've become my worst nightmare. Hopefully, my social life and educational burdens will improve when I enter my grad school years (beginning in July).

make life beautiful

my thoughts are all scattered.

i can't think about him. at all. because otherwise i'll love him and hate him, pine for him--resent him. and right now i'd rather just be neutral and non-emotional. god (or whoever, or nobody in particular) knows i made my share of awful, remorseful, grimace-when-i-think-about-it-now mistakes. it's funny, but i never felt badly for what i did, or saw my errors clearly, until he finally walked away and let me go. telling someone you love to leave you alone is the hardest thing i've done, but at the same time, i didn't feel like i had any other choice. there was only one option. it's only been a while, just a minute in comparison to our tumultuous and long-winded past, but already i'm learning and wanting to change. i am changing. at least i think i am. since i can't think about him, i can't really think too much about my past, which was consumed by him and by our relationship. he's in almost all of my memories, whether it be his presence or just the thought of him, his all-pervasive influence. *sigh*

so i'm trying to fill the void, i guess. don't get me wrong, i don't hate everything about the past. in fact, i still think he's beautiful and amazing and i know i let him define me too much, but i like the many ways he contributed positively to my character. i hope i did some good for him, too, despite all the bullshit near the end...

i'm surprisingly sane these days and relatively optimistic. i'd like to think it has nothing to do with the new boy (man) i'm sort of seeing, but that'd be a lie. still, i don't think it's all of that either. i guess it sort of feels like i'm coming out of a haze. i haven't smoked in almost a month. and i really don't feel the desire to. i've been stoned for so long, it'll last me a while, i think. not that i'd ever give it up for good, but now i'm ok with this. and i don't really want to get drunk as often as i used to. it's probably strange to some people, but i'm only now getting used to thinking about things. i mean, i used to think before, too, of course. but usually i'd discuss or whine or bitch to stan. it was more of a discourse rather than contemplation. still relishing the fact that i can be happy in my room, with my books, my writing, my cheap colored pencils and blank sketchbook. i want to discover new music, new hobbies, new talents, etc., and it's all overwhelming and almost paralyzing. i'll take it one day at a time. signed up for the gym, and that was good. started cooking more, and feeling good about that, too. not eating junk food all the time with stan and kurt. oh god, but those lazy sundays, when we'd eat two meals at the same diner, smoke a joint and watch an obscure, beautiful movie...sometimes i miss that, too.

but i'm looking forward, trying to create a life of my own. i really want to create something beautiful, but i think my thoughts are still too scattered for something like that. i'll keep reading and listening to music and maybe with more introspection, i'll have an Aha! moment.

goodnight ladies. i miss you all <3

That boy is a monster

I got sworn in today. I am finally and officially a US citizen!

Valentine's day is this Sunday. I will be studying alone for the whole weekend for a test Monday. I guess I'm used to that and I don't really mind as much as I probably should. At any rate, I am not that big on celebrating "love" in general. When I think about it, I haven't had that many memorable moments when it comes to v-day. The only one I actually remember distinctly was when Adam and I exchanged CDs when I was in 6th grade. I gave him a Beck CD and he gave me Spice World, and we swapped on a bench somewhere in chinese school. I know, it's gross. I was way too young, but I felt so old back then, with all that Dawson's Creek nonsense in my head.

Speaking of Dawson's Creek, my favorite (and obvious) famous couple right now -- Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson. They are so cute it makes me sick, in a good way.




Do any of you have interesting vday stories -- good or bad?

confused

i was manic and feeling good for a few days. now i'm confused and in a slump. i went home last weekend, and it was nice and i didn't have to think about any of this and what will i do this weekend? i mean, i can't keep going home to my parent's house every weekend. i'm just all confused about everything. i thought i figured out that i was taking this time for myself to discover what my desires are, separate from stan's pervasive influence. and lately i have been looking forward to time alone, reading or watching freaks and geeks, in the evenings. and i relish that i like time to myself, because i mean, if i can be happy reading a zombie book by myself before i go to bed, then who can take my happiness away from me, you know? nobody can. but then idno, tonight i got confused. about life, about the earthquake in haiti, about everything. i mean i know awful shit has happened to people in the world since the beginning of time. but they were showing footage of doctors working there, sleeping in tents eating mac and cheese from a packet. i saw the babies with contusions, screaming victims who had to get a limp amputated or whose family member recently died from tetanus after being treated. children asking the doctors to take them back home with them. i mean who's to say they deserve their lot and i deserve mine? compared to all that, everything in my life seems insignificant. yeah so what stan kind of takes me for granted sometimes and so what if he's more strong-willed than i am so i tend to go along with his ways? why should it matter, b/c deep down he loves me. i know he loves me and i know i love him. and shouldn't that be enough? no one is perfect. part of loving someone is accepting their flaws...and i mean, if i'm going to go looking for someone who's completely perfect, i might as well just resign myself to dying alone right now. ahhh hopefully i'll wake up with more clarity tomorrow.

Overcoming/Accepting inadequacies

1) Giving presentations -- we have to give a presentation once a semester for MD/PhD journal club. I usually spend an inordinate amount of time fixing every little detail and making sure all the citations are perfect. Then, I always get a bit flustered before I present and sometimes stumble on words. This time, nothing. My heart rate didn't even increase. Maybe the adrenaline is gone?

2) Making an entire fool of myself in front of patients -- A nurse (my age) asked if I wanted to check a patient in. Usually, I do preceptorships every Tuesday (required) and I often will do a history and physical on the patients by myself. However, checking in a patient means taking their vital signs. I have no idea how to work the scale, take temperature (with this disposable strip looking thing), or any of those practical things. So, the patient was a little boy and I had to weigh him. It took me literally a minute in silence while the parents judged my incompetence as I tried to figure out how much he weighed. Then, I had no idea how to take his temperature, and the mom had to show me...and then show me how to read it. I felt like an idiot but I guess my skin is growing thicker these days. I think that particular nurse gets a kick out of how little I know. I can rattle off the apoptotic cascade but I can't work a scale. Sue me.

3) I am no longer afraid of not knowing an answer when I get "pimped" by a doctor. Yes, this is the term that the medical field uses when a superior tries to embarrass you by asking you a question on the spot, and you have to answer intelligently. I hear it's a productive learning experience. I guess I am no longer ashamed of being a complete idiot.

4) Children -- I think I have gotten over my fears of them. I've been seeing quite a few in the clinic. There were these 2 kids (2 yo and 3 yo) who were both sick and still in their pjs. The boy's name was Thor and he had blonde curly hair! Also, I really wanted their one-piece pjs. Kind of look like the above picture but with animals and a zipper in the front! Also, the 2 yo got breastfed in the room! I have never seen anyone breastfeeding in the flesh before. Kind of strange.

Doomsday Book

"A record of the year of infection" reminded me of a book I just read--Doomsday Book by Connie Willis. It's a sci-fi book about time-traveling historians who accidentally send an undergrad back to 1348, the year the bubonic plague hits England. The premise is pretty far-fetched and silly, and it ends pretty much the way you would expect, but for some reason it made me really sad after I finished the book and I couldn't stop thinking about it. The more I thought about it, the madder I got about the fact that the characters in the book had to die of the bubonic plague (sorry for the spoiler). Then I started getting mad about the fact that anyone ever had to die of the bubonic plague, and that people die for all sorts of silly reasons like getting mugged or getting hit by a car or being in the wrong place at the wrong time when a tree branch falls or an earthquake hits or someone decides to drop a bomb on your village. Or because you get cancer after being chronically exposed to all the carcinogens in your food, air, water, etc. that are the result of poorly regulated industries and guidelines that have not caught up to our current understanding of health risks and safety levels. That kind of thing makes me feel very mad, and very helpless.

My gmail inbox is a mess, and so is my life. :(

NEW new year

"so this is the new year/and i don't feel any different"

well, it was sort of true; changes were slow to come, so erica and i decided to give ourselves a second chance and have a NEW new year.

actually, it's been a fairly productive month for me. I've:

1) joined a capoeira class...guys, a lot of sexy men do capoeira. but i'm doing it for myself, and each time i get better or master a new kick, i feel really happy! and there's a lot of singing, music, and improvisational fighting involved. it involves physical activity, but also mental focus/coordination.
2) spent more time with my family--i went home for a whole weekend and it was so nice to be taken care of!
3) broken up with stan. really relishing time to myself now. and even relishing the fact that i relish time to myself.
4) watched most of freaks and geeks (ah! so fucking good!)
5) worked extra hard at my job in the hospital, staying very late when necessary, and feeling really accomplished. my boss (she's the chief mammographer in the breast section of radiology!) is starting to really like me and rely on me more, which is excellent. she's had me help out with this really awesome new pilot project (won't bore you guys with details now), and i was even getting trained to use this new imaging system by this guy who flew all the way over from the netherlands! i love where i work, especially since there are a lot of extremely personable, intelligent, and beautiful women, which really inspires me.
6) read haruki murakami's "what i talk about when i talk about running". I HIGHLY recommend this book for anyone trying to keep a new year's resolution, like running more, or procrastinating less, etc. Did y'all know that Murakami is a MARATHON RUNNER? He started when he was 33, and hadn't run at all before that, and he's like 60 now and still runs at least one marathon every year.
7) signed up for a 3-mo membership for the gym, to make sure i stay active until the spring (i just have to make it through this winter, guys)...a terrifying thing happened; i went home last week and put on my suit that I wore for RSNA 2008 and found that it was TOO small. so i had to get an entire NEW suit. *sigh* makes me feel like i'm getting old.
8) started a small herb garden (more like a big pot) in my sunny living room; cilantro, basil, and green onion. I've never planted anything before!!
9) Ordered a sweet, new laptop (using my own money! are you guys proud of me? heehee)
10) Got my hair cut.

i'm not sure how i feel about the haircut. while i do miss my long hippie hair A LOT, it does feel a lot nicer to have such light, bouncy hair again, that's not weighed down by scraggly ends and tangles. ooo you guys, yesterday, i bought this AWESOME zombie book with GORGEOUS illustrations of zombies and such. it's called: "Zombies: A record of the year of infection. Field notes by Dr. Robert Twombly". omg pseudo-science about zombies! with illustrations! sooo cool.

have a good day, ladies.

weekend activities

This is what I did this weekend:

1) discovered my car battery was dead, got my roommate's bf to jump-start my car
2) locked myself out of my apartment
3) saw Moon Water at the Kennedy Center
4) relearned probability, did my Stochastic Processes hw
5) ran simulations
6) created this blog
7) got back into my apartment

You're all admins btw, so you can all edit the blog layout/name/etc.!

Details

So, should we come up with a title? A theme? I like 20-somethings sharing their experiences, joys, difficulties, and day-to-day realizations/epiphanies. It'll sort of be like sex-and-the-city except with younger women who are not so obsessed with shoes. And probably less sex, too...(or maybe not)? heehee

I have so much to say with you guys, but more tomorrow. Feb 1st 2010 marks the beginning of the new New year.

The Beginnings

This blog seems so much more official than diaryland. How's everyone else doing?