How I Roll

I romanticize poverty. Oh the hypocrisy!

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire

With each listen, I have grown more and more in love with Arcade Fire's newest album, The Suburbs. There are so many layers to this album, and most of the themes apply to us post-grad reluctant adults. The most poignant theme may be the nostalgia of being a suburban teenager, sitting around passing time during long summer breaks, waiting for the world to begin. Around this idealized memory, Arcade Fire points out that the "modern kids" of today are basically unauthentic, that the teens loitering around the cul-de-sacs are not like they used to be. They want to be unique but truly don't have a clue about what they are doing. I'd like to think it's a criticism of this unbearable age of hipster-dom.

Enough about teens, what about us "adults"? Some of the songs are about adults returning to their childhood playgrounds, only to find that everything has changed and nothing stays the same. Of course, the past also leads to more memories of childhood and old friends. Other songs are about the "modern man" as a whole, following society blindly and no longer examining one's path anymore. From the song "we used to wait", it's clear that technology (sadly) has completely changed the way we live. We no longer hand write letters, wait for handwritten letters to arrive, or even spending hours just walking around aimlessly.

The album is so complex, and I have still yet to completely wrap my head around it. It's rare to have an album lay out all of the emotions/ideas/wishes/despair/sadness I have felt and will continue to revisit since I became a teen. I guess I will have to wait to find out whether I'll grow out of this feeling or whether I'll always feel like "we're still kids in the buses longing to be free".

So long College Station, TX

For the past two years, I've had the unique opportunity to be in a healthy relationship and simultaneously, be completely alone for most of my days. Honestly, it has been a liberating and wonderful chapter in my life. I may never experience this kind of solitude again. I know I will have nostalgia one day looking back on days like today, where I spent the entire day alone in my apartment drinking coffee, watching lectures, and studying...perhaps the perfect storm before things became more complex and adult-like...bye bye Presidio and College Station, TX. I didn't think I would like you as much as I did, or thought that I could actually transition into an adulthood in such a small, conservative college town (everything that I was 100% against). I am still definitely a liberal in my views, but I guess I can understand why so many people enjoy the sweetness of a small town.

"I can be alone yeah, I can watch the sunset on my own, I can be alone yeah." - Kate Nash

Tidbit - Bush Sr.'s library is in College Station --

Ready made housewives

Classes are over and now I just have to study for my board exam on June 18th. Then I might go to my first wedding. It's one of Brent's coworkers but it might be fun. June 20th -- going to Athens, Greece followed by Santorini and Istanbul, which is a total of two weeks. I'm super excited but I have to survive this test first.

We had our end of year party yesterday, where med students get DOWN (ie talk about med school at a non-academic building and about how miserable we are wasting away our 20s-30s in academia). I was chatting with a Taiwanese guy named Paul about his relationship issues. He met his Taiwanese girlfriend when she was doing lab research in Houston. However, she was there temporarily and has been living in Taiwan for the past year. Apparently, she's coming back after he takes his steps and moving in with him. In other words, she is moving to nowhere, TX, USA with zero plans (work, play or otherwise) just for Paul. Also, understandably, she wants to get married. He was complaining about how stressful this all was and how there was so much pressure put on him by his girlfriend, and on top of that, just being a med student trying to get through all this alive. Someone joked that it sounded like she was ready to be a housewife and birth little Paul babies.

I get really uncomfortable when I hear stories like this. I am trying really hard to carve out my own career path so I one day can be the independent woman in one of those Destiny's Child songs. I thought perhaps this is the reason that girls who drop everything for their relationships bother me. But I don't think that's the reason. I actually have a lot of respect for women who sacrifice so much to raise their children and maintain a household. I also don't know if a career is as satisfying as I have completely idealized the concept of it to keep sane. Every success you have often equals major sacrifices elsewhere.

Maybe I hate the idea of not being in control? I guess pride plays a factor. However, I am kind of a hypocrite since Brent pays for almost everything we do together. I am living out of my means if it was just up to my measly stipend alone.

In summary, I get really confused about male/female roles as adults. Inputs?

ride the commuter train west to chicago

I'm always so restless in the springtime...it's distracting.

I am a new homeowner, sort of.

Brent and I will be closing on a 3 bedroom 2.5 bathroom townhouse in the Montrose area of Houston in the end of March. Well, technically, the place is completely his. I won't actually be moving in until early May when I finish my classes here in College Station. I am excited, but there are hurdles to live through before I can even begin to think about the new place. Until then, I need to ween myself off of HGTV (seriously addicting). I guess the two main hurdles are finishing up this year and to do well on the USMLE coming up in June. All this studying is exhausting, and thinking about all the studying I will have to do is even more exhausting.

My freshmen year of summer, I worked in a lab at Rice, and one of the new grad students was this guy named Jonathan who was married (engaged at the time) to a MD/PhD student who was studying for her USMLE step 2. I remember we would always go to restaurants and do stuff after lab in groups. However, I never once saw his fiance. He would always say she was busy studying. I remember thinking that it must be sad to study so much and have your husband/fiance go out with friends without you all the time. Now that I am in that boat...I would love for Brent to go out all the time and leave me alone to study. I guess it helps that he currently lives 100 miles away. It was nice to be alone this weekend. I know, I've become my worst nightmare. Hopefully, my social life and educational burdens will improve when I enter my grad school years (beginning in July).

make life beautiful

my thoughts are all scattered.

i can't think about him. at all. because otherwise i'll love him and hate him, pine for him--resent him. and right now i'd rather just be neutral and non-emotional. god (or whoever, or nobody in particular) knows i made my share of awful, remorseful, grimace-when-i-think-about-it-now mistakes. it's funny, but i never felt badly for what i did, or saw my errors clearly, until he finally walked away and let me go. telling someone you love to leave you alone is the hardest thing i've done, but at the same time, i didn't feel like i had any other choice. there was only one option. it's only been a while, just a minute in comparison to our tumultuous and long-winded past, but already i'm learning and wanting to change. i am changing. at least i think i am. since i can't think about him, i can't really think too much about my past, which was consumed by him and by our relationship. he's in almost all of my memories, whether it be his presence or just the thought of him, his all-pervasive influence. *sigh*

so i'm trying to fill the void, i guess. don't get me wrong, i don't hate everything about the past. in fact, i still think he's beautiful and amazing and i know i let him define me too much, but i like the many ways he contributed positively to my character. i hope i did some good for him, too, despite all the bullshit near the end...

i'm surprisingly sane these days and relatively optimistic. i'd like to think it has nothing to do with the new boy (man) i'm sort of seeing, but that'd be a lie. still, i don't think it's all of that either. i guess it sort of feels like i'm coming out of a haze. i haven't smoked in almost a month. and i really don't feel the desire to. i've been stoned for so long, it'll last me a while, i think. not that i'd ever give it up for good, but now i'm ok with this. and i don't really want to get drunk as often as i used to. it's probably strange to some people, but i'm only now getting used to thinking about things. i mean, i used to think before, too, of course. but usually i'd discuss or whine or bitch to stan. it was more of a discourse rather than contemplation. still relishing the fact that i can be happy in my room, with my books, my writing, my cheap colored pencils and blank sketchbook. i want to discover new music, new hobbies, new talents, etc., and it's all overwhelming and almost paralyzing. i'll take it one day at a time. signed up for the gym, and that was good. started cooking more, and feeling good about that, too. not eating junk food all the time with stan and kurt. oh god, but those lazy sundays, when we'd eat two meals at the same diner, smoke a joint and watch an obscure, beautiful movie...sometimes i miss that, too.

but i'm looking forward, trying to create a life of my own. i really want to create something beautiful, but i think my thoughts are still too scattered for something like that. i'll keep reading and listening to music and maybe with more introspection, i'll have an Aha! moment.

goodnight ladies. i miss you all <3